"Good" Mourning

I woke up this morning crying form a dream.  Yesterday I found pictures of us and a Valentine's day card I'd make for him.... 

Divorce is like death.  It's a death without closure. It's death where you don't get to close the coffin. It's death where you have to look at various coffins of memories... all open with the reminder of the rotting flesh of what once was.  With "normal" death you get to close the coffin and bury it and then figure out how to move on with life.  How do you do that with a coffin that you haven't buried and that you can't seem to shut and that you have to constantly see the ugly contents of?

I allowed myself to have a little come-apart this morning. It accomplished absolutely nothing but I was off and crying before I really even had an actual thought as to "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???".

So now that I'm not crying.. now what? Now that I've allowed myself to feel all that ugly junk and have a pity party of one.. now what?

I think I need to get on with a "good mourning."  Not good as in the "everything is awesome" kind but good in that it's productive. Good in that it helps me to move through the process and not stay stuck staring at the open coffins I keep finding around this house.  Good in that there is another side of this flood of emotions and it's a side where I will eventually be able to look at these coffins long enough to bury them. Yep, bury them. Because that's what you should do with coffins.  Burying them doesn't mean I will forget--I was married for a long time and most of my life to date was spent making memories with someone who is no longer an intimate part of my life now.  All that time is now just an homage to something that is dead.  The only breathing it does is the raspy sound that zombies make as they chase you--chase you because that's what the memories seem to do.  And instead of dealing with the zombie this morning I decided to dance with it. Dancing with zombies only increases your chances of being bitten.

Today I'm choosing to stop dancing.  I'm choosing to work on having a "good mourning" and to work on processing instead of ignoring.  Today is Memorial Day.. it's a day to honor and recognize those that made the ultimate sacrifice and didn't come home from defending my freedom.  I know it's  not exactly the same and I in no way wish to minimize the significance of Memorial Day.  But, my marriage didn't come home--it got lost in life and ad choices.  I need to recognize it for the good that it was, and process the bad that it became.  It deserves honor because of what it was. But it also needs to be buried so that we both can heal... I'm going to start with me.