It's been 5 years...

It’s been 5 years today since I thought my life had ended.

5. Years.

It’s been 5 years.  5 years since I began the journey of discovering who Autumn is.  5 years since I grabbed on to God’s word and shook it at Him demanding He keep His promises, like Lt Dan did to the mast of that ship in Forrest Gump when he was yelling at the hurricane. 5 years.

I can’t believe it’s only been 5 years.  I feel like I’ve lived 5 lifetimes in the last 5 years.  But you know, I guess maybe I did.  I certainly learned a lot of lessons that would take some people 5 lifetimes to learn.  I’m still discovering who Autumn is, who the real Autumn is, and as part of that I’ve learned that there wasn’t anything wrong WITH me, there were just some things wrong FOR me. I can’t begin to describe the freedom that brings after years of being made to feel less than because I couldn’t keep up in the areas that others thought I should! 5 years of having a relationship with myself, getting to know myself, after living a life that was not my own. 5 years of God loving me as I am, but loving me so much that He couldn’t leave me that way. 5 years of listening to Him and for Him, with purpose and intent.  5 years of His loving arms wrapped around me in the form of my pastors and my friends. 5 years.

Not only did my life not end 5 years ago, but, with purpose, intent, and hard work on my part, it has thrived. Has it been easy??  NO!!! But has it been worth every shed tear and every scream that was made into the dark trying to drown the racing thoughts and every relationship I lost or made and every promise I found in God’s word and claimed and…… it was worth it all.  Every single bit of it.  It was worth this day 5 years ago because that’s when my life truly began.  

Today might be your day 1.  Today might be the day that you think your life is ending.  I assure whoever is reading this that is not. I promise you with 100% certainty that if you grab on to God like a drowning person grabs onto a lifesaving floaty thingy and you put in the hard work that you will get to a place where you can look back and be thankful for a day that turns out to be the day you started living.  I’m not making that promise out of some religious rhetoric—I’m making you this promise from where the rubber met the road in my own life. I made a lot of really bad decisions that led to this day 5 years ago, but since then, with God’s help and my reliance on the Holy Spirit, I’ve made much better decisions.  You can, too. I have no super powers.  I have no special abilities that give me a leg up in the ‘making hard decisions’ department.  But what I do have is a decision that there had to be more, and told God there had to be more. God showed up for me.  He’ll show up for you, too.  

One ofthe many things that suck...

...about being left behind: I found this box tonight. I'd been saving rose petals from him since before he changed my last name.

I still have the last name.

I still have the petals.

I don't still have him.

Our fault.

"Good" Mourning

I woke up this morning crying form a dream.  Yesterday I found pictures of us and a Valentine's day card I'd make for him.... 

Divorce is like death.  It's a death without closure. It's death where you don't get to close the coffin. It's death where you have to look at various coffins of memories... all open with the reminder of the rotting flesh of what once was.  With "normal" death you get to close the coffin and bury it and then figure out how to move on with life.  How do you do that with a coffin that you haven't buried and that you can't seem to shut and that you have to constantly see the ugly contents of?

I allowed myself to have a little come-apart this morning. It accomplished absolutely nothing but I was off and crying before I really even had an actual thought as to "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???".

So now that I'm not crying.. now what? Now that I've allowed myself to feel all that ugly junk and have a pity party of one.. now what?

I think I need to get on with a "good mourning."  Not good as in the "everything is awesome" kind but good in that it's productive. Good in that it helps me to move through the process and not stay stuck staring at the open coffins I keep finding around this house.  Good in that there is another side of this flood of emotions and it's a side where I will eventually be able to look at these coffins long enough to bury them. Yep, bury them. Because that's what you should do with coffins.  Burying them doesn't mean I will forget--I was married for a long time and most of my life to date was spent making memories with someone who is no longer an intimate part of my life now.  All that time is now just an homage to something that is dead.  The only breathing it does is the raspy sound that zombies make as they chase you--chase you because that's what the memories seem to do.  And instead of dealing with the zombie this morning I decided to dance with it. Dancing with zombies only increases your chances of being bitten.

Today I'm choosing to stop dancing.  I'm choosing to work on having a "good mourning" and to work on processing instead of ignoring.  Today is Memorial Day.. it's a day to honor and recognize those that made the ultimate sacrifice and didn't come home from defending my freedom.  I know it's  not exactly the same and I in no way wish to minimize the significance of Memorial Day.  But, my marriage didn't come home--it got lost in life and ad choices.  I need to recognize it for the good that it was, and process the bad that it became.  It deserves honor because of what it was. But it also needs to be buried so that we both can heal... I'm going to start with me.

Nothing compares...

Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

Nothing does compare. 

I dreamed of you....

Remember when I'd fall asleep on the couch watching tv and you would look over from the computer and inevitably wake me up with your laughter?

Last night I fell asleep watching The OA and heard you laugh... I jerked awake; at first embarrassed, but then sad.  Sad that I wasn't asleep on the couch; sad that you weren't there; sad that I haven't heard you laugh in far too long.

But I guess I should also be thankful.  Thankful that I still remember your laugh.  And thankful that, though our life together has turned into something that neither of us would've dreamed in the beginning, that I can still remember something good like your laugh....

Laying here.. can't sleep

Laying here.. can't sleep,
I wish I could see inside your head.

Why do you stay, but to make me pay?
The rest of it is dead.

Laying here.. can't sleep,
Thinking of you.

Thoughts run, we've come undone.
There's nothing left to do

Beautiful Offering

I heard this song for the first time Friday night: Beautiful Offering by Big Daddy Weave.

"Take this broken life I bring
Make it a beautiful offering
Your love changes everything
I am a beautiful offering
A beautiful offering... to You!"

I did a really good job at breaking my life. Completely and totally wrecking it beyond anything recognizable to what it was. I took this fragile earthen vessel and shattered it into a thousand pieces. 

But in my sin, in my shame and regret, in the guilt, I brought what I had back to the only place I'd ever found rest. I brought each shattered piece and broken dream and laid them at the feet of Jesus. I had nowhere left to run, not from my sin not from myself not from the condemnation of others. Tired and broken I brought it to Him.

And while at times it's been an ugly hard process, He's putting the broken pieces of this vessel back together. The world might see that there are cracks and seams everywhere and wonder how on earth this could ever be a vessel worth anything. But that's just it--it's not an earthly worth. God knew that I'd mess up like this; He knew all my sin and ugliness and He chose me. And He loved me. And He loves me still.

The beauty in my broken vessel is that my brokenness is mended by His Grace. And what better offering to give back to Him than the life He saved, than the life He redeemed?

My story doesn't end here. God has more cracks to mend and more of His glory to reveal.  He does for you, too. When the load from all your broken pieces gets too heavy, I invite you to lay them at Jesus' feet.  He wants to make you a beautiful offering, too.

https://youtu.be/CUrmdjN0qeo